mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
