i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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