have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
