Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
