Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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