Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
