I got chris browned last night
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
