Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
