my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Even my vagina gasped.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
