When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
