are you still at the devil's house?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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