At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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