her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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