I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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