chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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