I met the friendliest cop last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
