I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
