Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I party with great urgency now.
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