You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
