how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
