he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
