Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize