how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
