Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
