My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
