Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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