i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
