Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
