:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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