he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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