24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
