You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
