Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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