discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
