just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
