How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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