If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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