Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
