Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
