im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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