then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
