Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
