so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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