dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
