I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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