Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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