trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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