I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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