I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
