May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
