i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
