...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
