Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
