I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
