Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
