Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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