Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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