he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Barsexuality is the new black.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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