My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
