I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
