How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Found your dick twin last night
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
