Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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